Go date yourself

So I have recently, and by recently I mean for at least the last year or maybe more? Have been taking myself out and about.

Why is this worth posting about? Because I bloody want to. SO… For a long time I found myself doing things with other people. Long walks, going to shops and generally always having company. Have I confused you? Good.

There is nothing wrong with spending time with your friends, far from it I do actually love being in the company in my friends and doing these things with them. However I realised one day that it felt like I couldn’t do these things UNLESS I had someone with me. It was like I forgot I could do these things without someone chaperoning me (a high number of people disagree with this statement)

So I decided I needed to get back to being comfortable with myself again. I’m a big fan of protecting your peace and that includes spending time alone just doing every day things. So I began with the easiest ones of going to the shop or walks by myself again. To be honest this was the lazy way of easing into it, just hop in the car and off I go and I was always too distracted in shops to notice I was alone to be honest.

The harder part for me was doing something that was typically done with someone, for example lunch in a cafe. Sounds simple enough but if you have spent a long time never going anywhere alone this can be a very alien feeling to you. It felt that way to me anyway but I wanted to get back to pottering around by myself. I grabbed my book and off I went in my car to find somewhere, anywhere really that I could have a chunk of time to myself.

Ended up in a small seaside town of all things, not much in the way of tourism which was perfect. I wandered around a bit to get my bearings before sitting on the beach and reading for a while. No music and no other distractions, just simply listening to the waves and birds around me. With the lack of tourism attractions this meant the beach was actually very quiet minus the odd dog or two coming flying out of nowhere towards me in hopes of treats.

Honestly I’m not really sure how long I was sat there for, I think I just read until I got hungry but there was so many cafes around so this gave me a second chance to just wander about working out which ones looked the best to try. Have to be honest, I went in and immediately wanted to leave. Not because of anything they did but just my own self being there alone and everyone looks at the door when it opens just made me want to turn heel.

Stomach had other plans though, it was running the show so I did force myself into the cafe and sit myself down in the corner out the way. Now I was still fully armed with my book or my phone, but the point was to not need these things to be alone. No one should need a form of armour just to eat by themselves.

I forgot how easy it was to just be alone, I realised that sounds weird but as I said when you spend so much time around other people. The idea of doing things alone sometimes throws your mind through a bit of a loop.

In a rather funny turn of events, I have now spent so much time learning to be by myself again and protecting my own peace that I now rarely entertain the idea of hanging out with many people. Clearly I need to work on balance a bit better but oh well.

The point to this is that I hope you take yourself out, and I don’t mean by assassination. Take yourself on the lunch date, take yourself on a woodland walk or go to the cinema yourself. Why do we feel we need to go do these things with someone or we can’t do it at all?

Sure it’s nice to enjoy things with someone, but if no one is available don’t let that be the thing that stops you from doing something. There might be other people there in the same boat and you may end up making a friend. Unless you are like me and have resting bitch face so no one talks to you… try smiling or something I don’t know.

Point being! Go do the thing. Go date yourself and treat yourself to days out and you never know what it could end up turning into.

B x

From toxic to healthy

As I’m sitting here writing this, it is sunny and I am outside in the garden. What does this have to do with anything? Glad you asked.

Before I wouldn’t be outside enjoying the weather. Previous partners had always wanted to just stay inside and watch TV or order food. Now very quickly if that is what you like to do I am not judging, but for me, the thought of doing that every night terrified the living hell out of me.

Other partners had told me I shouldn’t wear certain clothes outside when it was hot, so I became extremely self-conscious of everything in my cupboard and as a result, wouldn’t go out in the sun during the summer. I do have a little sensitivity to heat and I genuinely believe that the last few years of this mentality have made it worse and given me a very low or nearly gone tolerance altogether.

Now I am sitting outside in the sun (with a parasol up but still counts!) with slit linen trousers that show off my legs and probably blind people due to how pale they are. Enjoying a very cold cider while I write this and other projects.

I have probably a thousand or more comparisons of what was a toxic relationship and the difference from that to a healthy one. Let’s be honest you can google and find millions of articles, TikTok videos, case studies and so on. I will not go into a massive list or this will be never ending. However what I have struggled with for the last two years, and probably will continue to do so for a while if I’m being honest, was the difference with myself, not their behaviour.

I was met with nice open and honest communication, I was constantly suspicious of what they were saying, Why they were saying it. When the punch line was coming that showed it wasn’t true at all. However it never happened, my hyper-awareness and overthinking needed to calm down. This was nothing they were doing, it was just my mind trying to prepare for me what it was used to.

I was being told things, that were then followed through on. For days out to the beach or for general walks, they were going to help me find a part for my car and they did. They wanted to travel up to see me and they did make the arrangements to do so. They saw me struggling with space to park in their driveway and while I was working I looked out the window and they were honest to god building a new part of the driveway for me to park in.

(I would like to state this was done by them with no asking or anything for myself. They just did it because they thought it would help me when I visited and be easier all around)

In previous partners, it has been lies, gaslighting and manipulation. all of which came to me as a nasty realisation with a big thud when I found myself in a very healthy one. I had left those relationships because things were not good and I knew that (eventually), their lack of trust in me for no reason and promises that they never intended to keep to name a few. As I said the list can easily go on.

For me, it’s weird looking back and realising just how obvious it was and how oblivious I was. However I felt like that is the tagline of any bad relationship ever, hindisght is a vindictive little bitch that needs to collaborate better with either my common sense or gut feeling. Either one is fine with me as long as I have a bit of a heads up at some point for these things, for my friends I can spot a red flag a mile off. For myself, it’s like blinders and just wave the idiots on until I realise how much time has been wasted with them.

So I went through some weird phases of realising and being overly cautious. I am pretty sure my hyper-awareness wouldn’t calm down for maybe the first 6 months or more. It was fairly exhausting if I’m honest until one day I just decided I really couldn’t be bothered worrying anymore. He had done nothing to warrant such worry or suspicion. The only thing that still happens to this day is a lot of confusion when he won’t let me pay for dinner, or the shopping. When we go out and I get excited over something very stupid and he joins in instead of telling me to be quiet because it’s embarrassing.

This is now two years down the line, and I am still confused and ever grateful for a healthy relationship. The communication has always been very open from the beginning and any discussion about his feelings or mine has never ended in an argument. For all my talk of the things he does for me, I do feel the need to put out there I do things for him too, it’s a very balanced show of appreciation that we have for each other. From big things like birthdays and Christmas to little things like ‘because I felt like it’ or ‘I just wanted you to have it’ right down to the bare basics of the dishes needing put away so one of us will just do it and not leave it until later or until the person gets it.

If some of this makes no sense to you, then it’s a good chance you have not experienced a one-sided unhealthy relationship like the one I am describing and if that is the case then I am genuinely very happy for you. If any of it sounds familiar to what you are in now, arguing because you maybe mentioned they had upset you. Fighting just to have a day out or go do something different to change up your routine, then maybe have a chat with some of your friends or family. People who really know you may already be worried and will want to help and support you.

I do feel the need to say that not all annoying behaviours of a person are toxic. That word is thrown around a lot of minor things that are just behaviours that are a pain in the ass. For example, a friend of mine came to me very unhappy with her toxic relationship and she was so fed up and couldn’t bear it anymore. Very worried I asked for details to find out he is quite lazy and never did his washing or hoovering. As rage-inducing as this can be…. Not toxic.

If trying to discuss things calmly that upset you or you would like to change, ends in a massive argument and they are somehow a victim. Toxic… run my dear. I can say from experience that the relationship you may think you have no choice to stay in, no other options, no one else would want you? Is the other way around. They know they can’t do better, they will cling to anyone they can and drag them down. There are many options out there for you, but you need to tell people to realise it and I promise that the first step of doing that will be the best thing.

It takes a strong well-grounded person to help someone see what a healthy relationship is as well as to navigate the beginning with their trauma responses and possibly weird reactions to the simplest things. It is something I am grateful for and tell him constantly because he helped me understand more about a good partner than I ever thought was possible, or even realised was something that happened outside of books.

Going to a healthy relationship from a bad one or a string of bad ones is confusing and honestly scary and a little hard. However it is so very worth it if you work together, I will never be able to put into words the difference it will make to your life.

B x

When to let go.

So I posted on my instagram a little while ago, that I had been spending more and more time alone. This was through actions of others and my own choosing after a point.

I stopped being the one to reach out first and make the plans. I am aware that there is nothing wrong with reaching out first, however after a long time it will wear you down. At least it did for me, I got fed up of feeling like an after thought with people.

The result has been, silence. It has been months and even over a year for some that have not spoken to me, now it could be argued that they don’t want to bother me… or that they are just super busy and so on. However it genuinely hasn’t bothered me when I thought it would.

Spending time on my own I have found new loves in my life, refocused on myself for a while and found old hobbies that I used to love and somehow forgot about. Being on my own a lot of the time was initially a bit confusing, I wanted to reach out to people who were ignoring me because I thought it was better than being bored or lonely.

I am eternally glad I never did. I am comfortable with myself again, I have brought a balance back to my life that I couldn’t seem to make work before. I still socialise I am not a hermit, but these events I go to or things that we do is from a back and forth of planning. Just checking in to say hi and so on and it has been great for my mental state as well.

I know where I stand with the people I have in my life now, I have raised my own standards for what I want from anyone in my life. I have found a number of people are bizarrely mad about this and I feel if it has made them mad… they probably know their actions and why boundaries are now in place. I have found when you set boundary for yourself, whether it’s personal peace or to avoid confrontation, the ones who kick up the most fuss about it are probably the ones you want to stay away from.

I used to think I needed a friend to do things with and it has been freeing reminding myself that I don’t. I can go to book shops myself or around the town, I can go for long walks without someone with me. I can travel by myself even if it’s just for a day trip, this in particular has been wonderful for my mind. It is peaceful and fun getting to explore new places alone.

That being said, I do still go on hikes with friends and go out for meals. Go shopping or just chill in the house and catch up, as I said I am not a hermit by any means. I just somehow compromised myself into people pleasing and relying on others and just eventually made the decision to stop that bad behaviour.

If you make or have made a similar decision with anything, putting your foot down at work or at home. With loved ones, family, friends and so on. Stand your ground even when you are unsure, sit with the feeling for a bit and think about why you feel bad or lonely or guilty. If your thoughts are mostly about how it’s made them feel and their reaction, then they are the issue here. Not you.

I have often been asked to change things about myself, about my opinions and likes and dislikes and I often said yes for some dumbass reason. This year my answer will always be no, now don’t get me wrong this goes along with common sense of the situation. I won’t just be a stubborn jackass for the sheer fun and giggles of it, however if someone tells me to ‘get over myself’ when boundaries are brought up (which it has already so… direct quote there) then they can go fuck themselves and go be a pain in the ass else where really.

My posts are usually fairly chill, and hopefully make people think about mental health and ways to help In someway. This one is probably a bit more aggressive than normal, purely because in some cases being assertive with what you want for your life is the best way for people to understand that you won’t change and you shouldn’t have to. Protect your own mental health from workplace, home, friends, family and anyone else in your life if you feel the need to. Keep you boundaries and standards in place, the ones who understand and don’t mind are the ones you want to keep around.

In short… peer pressure and toxic humans can just bugger off, don’t be afraid to make the first move to improve whatever aspect of your life you want or need to change.

B x

Sweet intentions: No promises

I am not a fan of the “New year, New me” mentality. I appreciate that for other people this absolutely works but the people I know who have tried this have failed because it places so much pressure on them to be more active, to be more out going. Pressure to just be more.

I have spent my last year reminding myself of who I am and finding out new things about myself I never knew. Such as my old love for road trips and finding new places and adventures, to finding that I can just slow down and be in the moment and the world doesn’t collapse because I have taken time for myself. Something that I am notoriously terrible for never doing.

The end of my year was spent walking along beaches on an unseasonably warm day (seriously it’s winter and it was a fair bit toasty!) and wandering around a sea life centre looking at beautiful creatures and learning about the conservation work the centre does especially for turtles. Such a relaxing day got me thinking as did reading through many a bloggers posts about their resolutions and how their year went and generally book ending the year of 2021.

I have decided I have no resolutions, I have plans yes but I have decided pressure will cause me to fail. Instead I have created intentions for myself.

I intend to continue following the things I love.
I intend to continue spending as much time as possible with my friends and loved ones.
I intend to travel as much as possible (within the restrictions of pandemic).
I intend to care for myself in every sense, mental, physical and overall well being.
I intend to help more with volunteering where I can, hopefully with animals as that is my passion.
I intend to read more for the enjoyment of reading and not the stress of university, as after a long discussion and a lot of thought I have chosen to leave – There is a long post about that one later.

So I have nothing but sweet intentions for my year. I have no pressure and no promises to myself, if I slip at some of them then it’s ok. Resolutions for me seem to come with a lot of pressure and failure, while failing is a natural part of life when someone fails at new year resolutions it seems to be taken a lot harder than normal. Intentions for me seem an easier frame of mind, a simpler way of trying to succeed at things you really want to do but without the pressure.

If anyone has made resolutions or like me just intentions for the year I would love to hear them and see how awesome your year is going to be

B x

International Women’s day | Best Friend

Today is a day that is important for all women, the ups and downs. Achievements and recognition for so many things that women can do. For me there is one woman who deserves a special mention which is my best friend, Jamie.

We had a strong friendship before, but this past year we found we really needed each other to make it through the pandemic and can safely say, I have no idea what I would do without her. She knows when to call me out on my shit, she knows when I’m hiding something that’s bothering me. She pushes me to do things out my comfort zone and will do it by my side, I could probably tell her the worst thing in the world, and not even a flicker of judgement would cross her face, she would just offer advice or call me a dumbass.

We laugh, we cry. We talk endlessly and know when to be quiet with each other. We lean on each other and rely on each other, we strive for our goals together and if the other falls behind we wait until they are ready to go again. We have different life goals and plans but we always have each other in them. We even have yearly traditions on our birthdays, Halloween and summer road trips.

She is fiercely loyal, with a genuine soul and wild heart. She is the embodiment of chaos and serenity and so brutally honest. My life long partner in adventure and mistakes.

You are my best friend, with a little old lady soul and grandma tendencies. Drunken dance partner and person to yell ‘hairy cow go moo!’ with ( you had to be there)

B x