Go date yourself

So I have recently, and by recently I mean for at least the last year or maybe more? Have been taking myself out and about.

Why is this worth posting about? Because I bloody want to. SO… For a long time I found myself doing things with other people. Long walks, going to shops and generally always having company. Have I confused you? Good.

There is nothing wrong with spending time with your friends, far from it I do actually love being in the company in my friends and doing these things with them. However I realised one day that it felt like I couldn’t do these things UNLESS I had someone with me. It was like I forgot I could do these things without someone chaperoning me (a high number of people disagree with this statement)

So I decided I needed to get back to being comfortable with myself again. I’m a big fan of protecting your peace and that includes spending time alone just doing every day things. So I began with the easiest ones of going to the shop or walks by myself again. To be honest this was the lazy way of easing into it, just hop in the car and off I go and I was always too distracted in shops to notice I was alone to be honest.

The harder part for me was doing something that was typically done with someone, for example lunch in a cafe. Sounds simple enough but if you have spent a long time never going anywhere alone this can be a very alien feeling to you. It felt that way to me anyway but I wanted to get back to pottering around by myself. I grabbed my book and off I went in my car to find somewhere, anywhere really that I could have a chunk of time to myself.

Ended up in a small seaside town of all things, not much in the way of tourism which was perfect. I wandered around a bit to get my bearings before sitting on the beach and reading for a while. No music and no other distractions, just simply listening to the waves and birds around me. With the lack of tourism attractions this meant the beach was actually very quiet minus the odd dog or two coming flying out of nowhere towards me in hopes of treats.

Honestly I’m not really sure how long I was sat there for, I think I just read until I got hungry but there was so many cafes around so this gave me a second chance to just wander about working out which ones looked the best to try. Have to be honest, I went in and immediately wanted to leave. Not because of anything they did but just my own self being there alone and everyone looks at the door when it opens just made me want to turn heel.

Stomach had other plans though, it was running the show so I did force myself into the cafe and sit myself down in the corner out the way. Now I was still fully armed with my book or my phone, but the point was to not need these things to be alone. No one should need a form of armour just to eat by themselves.

I forgot how easy it was to just be alone, I realised that sounds weird but as I said when you spend so much time around other people. The idea of doing things alone sometimes throws your mind through a bit of a loop.

In a rather funny turn of events, I have now spent so much time learning to be by myself again and protecting my own peace that I now rarely entertain the idea of hanging out with many people. Clearly I need to work on balance a bit better but oh well.

The point to this is that I hope you take yourself out, and I don’t mean by assassination. Take yourself on the lunch date, take yourself on a woodland walk or go to the cinema yourself. Why do we feel we need to go do these things with someone or we can’t do it at all?

Sure it’s nice to enjoy things with someone, but if no one is available don’t let that be the thing that stops you from doing something. There might be other people there in the same boat and you may end up making a friend. Unless you are like me and have resting bitch face so no one talks to you… try smiling or something I don’t know.

Point being! Go do the thing. Go date yourself and treat yourself to days out and you never know what it could end up turning into.

B x

Ch, ch, ch, changes

Growing, transforming, changing, moving on … Whatever you want to call it the feeling for me is always very freeing. Through my life I have had any changes in different areas of my mentality or behaviours, and they always stem from life experiences and lessons.

When I was younger I used to be very trusting and try and make friends with everyone, as I grew life knocked that particular personality out of me and I grew guarded and suspicious of anyone who would speak to me. Then I met someone who, after a few months of confusion and suspicions, made realise I can be trusting and make friends again. My life experience doesn’t mean I have to stop doing anything, I just need to be smart enough to place my energy in the right place.

My health essentially did the same, I used to walk for miles, hill walk and rock climb. Swimming and horse riding I particularly loved and felt so free when I could just ride anywhere without a care in the world, my health soon changed and while I could do some things my body continually made it harder for me to do the things I loved so much. Now while I currently cannot hill walk or rock climb due to some issues, I realised it has also been stopping me from pushing my limits in other exercises. I didn’t realise my health had caused me to have a defeated attitude, I did exercise or go on walks but when my body began to tell me It was getting tired I would just stop immediately and never try and push past that barrier, meaning everything just stayed the same which added to the defeated feeling.

Now while some of this seems like common sense to most, others need a lot of self reflection which is hard to do. I personally struggle to sit in silence no matter what I’m doing, never mind having to give myself a hard look to better myself. Motivation to change comes easy, maintaining the behaviour to continue the change is hard.

So I decided to change, or technically revert back to my limit pushing, but with the newfound knowledge of myself to make sure I don’t fall into the same behaviour again. It started with getting my ass in gear first, continue with my exercising but as soon as my body gave the hint it was tired, I kept going. This resulted in many stiff muscles and a lot of sweat but my mentality changed and I felt that I had finally done something that was going to do good for my body.

This prompted other changes which actually began a strange response from friends, I started going through my things and donating or selling things and it felt very good. Like decluttering for your mind… what was weird was when I was asked why I was getting rid of things, I explained I just wanted to do an overhaul of my life and the response I got was mostly negative. Asking why I would get rid of things and why I was doing so much to change and how they could never just throw their life away.

At no point was I ever judging my friends life or choices, and the changes I am making is to improve my life not throw it away. It was a bizarre response to have to someone wanting to change for the better and I guess that just comes down to change, even if not with them directly, can be scary for people. I never think of change as anything scary so often forget it can be for others.

I have often viewed change as a chance to do something good, a chance to go on adventures or be the version of yourself you want to be. Even if it’s a slow process to get there, it begins with the first step as long as you believe in it.

So I have been making all these internal changes, for my mind and my body. My living space I have been down sizing as next year there will be a massive change of moving 500 miles and bringing together my home with his home and making it our own.

So I decided an outward change was needed, now I don’t mean clothes as I am forever changing my aesthetic so my poor cupboard is perpetually confused. However I have constantly been light haired for years, from blonde to orange it has always been bright warm colours.

So I decided this is the change to get that motivation boost and confidence back within myself while the other changes I am making catch up.

I am a night owl in nature and now have midnight sky for hair. A simple change and yet something big for me, hair has an interesting power over people and a lot of identity can be found in peoples hair. The one thing I would recommend people should do if they are unsure what change to make first, is start with the hair. It can be changed back and if you cut it, it will grow back.

So why not give it a go, it’s a bizarrely motivating thing to do.

B x

New Year, Same me.

There are a few posts, that are similar on this page. Right at new year, which is that people need to stop letting New Years dictate when they change. If someone wants to make a change, stop waiting and do it. Change does not come from motivation alone, it comes from discipline and feeling fed up but doing the thing anyway.

Now, before I get angry comments cause my views are different from yours. Just wait… or you know, type it anyway and I will delete it. I actually love planning and goals and lists, having a plan and working towards it is actually a very gratifying feeling for me. Especially when I achieve it.

I know, that was a very different perspective from the opening one. I have always had an issue with the New Year, New me! mentality. This sudden surge of motivation on the same day every year, will never get you results. Ever. However the ones you work on, even when you don’t want to, and build a gradual routine and incorporate whatever it is, healthy eating? More exercise, reading more books, learning to cook a varied menu, learning any new skill, travelling more. A lot of new life changes, come from the consistency to keep it in your life.

For example, in November I wrote down goals for myself, these ones were health (all forms) and financial goals. I have been working consistently towards them, especially when I wake up and I can’t face going on the treadmill, I make my ass get up and get it done. I know it’s a part of my brain trying to convince me that one day won’t matter, it only takes one day to make a big change your life, therefore it can only take one day to derail it.

For me, this hatred yet discipline has been giving me healthy steady results, my body, my mind and my eating habits all changed and now it isn’t so hard to keep it on track. Winter is hard enough without suddenly adding a massive amount of pressure on yourself right at the beginning of a year that you want to be a good and positive year.

Do not misunderstand me, I am not saying never make a goal. I am saying, stop doing it only on this one day you feel motivated by pressure of the New year New me mantra. If you set insane standards on yourself and your mentality on the very first day of a New year, it will swiftly change to negative associations with trying to change and you potentially never will.

If you have made goals and resolutions for your year and you are not feeling the dread of “I missed doing it today, I’ve failed” then I am insanely stoked for you and sincerely wish you the best and hope you achieve whatever the goal is (except murder…. that’s a no no) I think knowing what you are goals are and how to achieve them is the most productive way to begin your change. Waiting until a certain day to do it, is not.

My November goals, for a full year are.
1 – Let go of silly frustrations (this is particularly hard due to ADHD)
2 – Nurture my body the way I tell my friends and loved ones to, treat it well and kindly and nourish all aspects of it.
3- Dedicate time for my friends, not just trying to fit them in, full dedicated time for them.
4 – Trackable goal for me is to read 60 books this year, I managed 50 the last time I set a year goal so why not.
5 – Buy less, this is all things from food/clothes/skincare/books (I know the previous goal hang on)
  ^^This for me is a sustainable, more mindful and more appreciative goal. I want to have better savings, and I want to only buy things when I need them. So moisturiser and shower gel gone? Ok cool now I can go buy ONE of each. I have read all the books that I own, I will buy one from my wish list. I really wish this to apply to everything, only absolute necessities which I hope feeds into the second goal as this will include no bad food, harmful chemicals in my skincare and so on. Buying less and only with intent.

Hopefully come November time I will have achieved some of these, I would love to say I managed them all but a lot can happen in a year, so I would be thrilled if I managed even a few of them.

If you have any intentions, goals and resolutions, I am not ragging on your new found motivation. Just remember if you missed a day, make that day count, there is a lot of hours in the day. You wanted to do an hour workout but can’t? ok, do a ten minute one. There you go, you did a workout that day. You wanted to learn to cook but don’t have the time and dinner is round the corner? No stress, cook something you already know and spice it up a bit, you challenged yourself and hopefully it worked out.

Do not add pressure to yourself, social media and the general public do that enough to everyone. You are with yourself all the time, you should be kind to yourself. Others sadly won’t be so your mind and body should always be hearing kind things even just once a day. If you fail any of your goals, no bother now you have a chance to be creative and make up a new one. Hell make it the same one who cares! They are personal to you, just don’t burn yourself out trying to achieve it and don’t wait a full year before trying another one, there is a long time between now and next year.

So with that ramble done… Merry Easter New Year!… or something like that

B x

When to let go.

So I posted on my instagram a little while ago, that I had been spending more and more time alone. This was through actions of others and my own choosing after a point.

I stopped being the one to reach out first and make the plans. I am aware that there is nothing wrong with reaching out first, however after a long time it will wear you down. At least it did for me, I got fed up of feeling like an after thought with people.

The result has been, silence. It has been months and even over a year for some that have not spoken to me, now it could be argued that they don’t want to bother me… or that they are just super busy and so on. However it genuinely hasn’t bothered me when I thought it would.

Spending time on my own I have found new loves in my life, refocused on myself for a while and found old hobbies that I used to love and somehow forgot about. Being on my own a lot of the time was initially a bit confusing, I wanted to reach out to people who were ignoring me because I thought it was better than being bored or lonely.

I am eternally glad I never did. I am comfortable with myself again, I have brought a balance back to my life that I couldn’t seem to make work before. I still socialise I am not a hermit, but these events I go to or things that we do is from a back and forth of planning. Just checking in to say hi and so on and it has been great for my mental state as well.

I know where I stand with the people I have in my life now, I have raised my own standards for what I want from anyone in my life. I have found a number of people are bizarrely mad about this and I feel if it has made them mad… they probably know their actions and why boundaries are now in place. I have found when you set boundary for yourself, whether it’s personal peace or to avoid confrontation, the ones who kick up the most fuss about it are probably the ones you want to stay away from.

I used to think I needed a friend to do things with and it has been freeing reminding myself that I don’t. I can go to book shops myself or around the town, I can go for long walks without someone with me. I can travel by myself even if it’s just for a day trip, this in particular has been wonderful for my mind. It is peaceful and fun getting to explore new places alone.

That being said, I do still go on hikes with friends and go out for meals. Go shopping or just chill in the house and catch up, as I said I am not a hermit by any means. I just somehow compromised myself into people pleasing and relying on others and just eventually made the decision to stop that bad behaviour.

If you make or have made a similar decision with anything, putting your foot down at work or at home. With loved ones, family, friends and so on. Stand your ground even when you are unsure, sit with the feeling for a bit and think about why you feel bad or lonely or guilty. If your thoughts are mostly about how it’s made them feel and their reaction, then they are the issue here. Not you.

I have often been asked to change things about myself, about my opinions and likes and dislikes and I often said yes for some dumbass reason. This year my answer will always be no, now don’t get me wrong this goes along with common sense of the situation. I won’t just be a stubborn jackass for the sheer fun and giggles of it, however if someone tells me to ‘get over myself’ when boundaries are brought up (which it has already so… direct quote there) then they can go fuck themselves and go be a pain in the ass else where really.

My posts are usually fairly chill, and hopefully make people think about mental health and ways to help In someway. This one is probably a bit more aggressive than normal, purely because in some cases being assertive with what you want for your life is the best way for people to understand that you won’t change and you shouldn’t have to. Protect your own mental health from workplace, home, friends, family and anyone else in your life if you feel the need to. Keep you boundaries and standards in place, the ones who understand and don’t mind are the ones you want to keep around.

In short… peer pressure and toxic humans can just bugger off, don’t be afraid to make the first move to improve whatever aspect of your life you want or need to change.

B x